18 June 2011

Disappointed friends

I hate being disappointed about something, or someone. I hate someone being disappointed about me. A few weeks ago, I wrote an email to a dear friend in which I told her that I didn’t like her being disappointed in me but that I was disappointed in myself too.

What happened?
I cancelled too often on her during the past 3 years. While the 1st year was marked by such severe hip pains which (chronically) prohibited basically all fun stuff, the 2nd year was marked by the blessing of my own little wonder: great meds. Suddenly, I was nearly pain free and nearly all cautions were gone. Nearly. I got a big ‘but’ instead.

It wasn’t visible anymore. It didn’t come with sharp knives anymore. It made people forget about my health issues. But it became my new daily fight – low energy and a weak resistance. Too little sleep? Low energy. Too much work? Low energy. Too much stress, unhealthy food, too many good/long/dancing nights? Lower energy. A combination of these? Lowest energy ever. So I had to start taking care of myself and get myself a great resistance.

But that’s a tough thing to learn. I have a ‘normal’ career job, a little less ‘normal’ social life, and combined with some ‘normal’ travelling, it feels like I’m a normal 27-year-old girl. That’s what I want. I want to be normal. I want everyone to treat me like I’m normal. I do everything to act like all is going normal.

With all the acting and wanting to be, I sometimes neglected my health big time and myself. Working over time and running behind a diary filled with appointments turned into sleeping on the couch instead of dancing at night and sometimes even being too tired to eat healthy. So, multiple times during the past 3 years, my body wanted me to slow down. And showed that rigorously. I got two big infections, a few weird bugs, continuous tiredness, crazy recurring headaches, and sometimes, hip pains. And it caused that I had to cancel quite a few times on friends.

My friend set her limit on my cancelling. And told me so. 

I hardly ever set a limit. My health does. I don’t like talking about health stuff. I don’t like to complain about my tiredness. I don’t want to be a pity-case. I want to be ‘normal’. So my friend couldn’t read my mind when I cancelled, nor had a clear idea how I was really doing.

However, thanks to my friend, I have learnt my lesson. I should take my health and problems to the stage once in a while, so that I don’t have to act ‘normal’, and my best friends become actors in my ‘so called life’ show. They get the big roles they deserve and that I (secretly) would love them to give. 

So, I’ve started being more honest about how I’m doing. Revealing my real feelings. It takes friendships to another level, and myself too. But, of course, sometimes it’s also great to leave heavy stuff back stage, and put on a nice dress, some make up, killer heels and wear nice jewellery to forget about life as I know it.

Share the happy moments with your friends, but do also try and involve your friends in the rest of your life. They are the ones who can support you in the rougher times. If they know.